So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
