I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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