You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
