If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wanna passion pit in your ass
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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