She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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