you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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