Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
