right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
