i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
