someone threw a dead crab at me
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
