take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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