If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
