just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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