so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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