I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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