how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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