The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
