Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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