I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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