I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
