hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
