if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
