I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
They are going to name an STD after you.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
