I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
