I accidentally burped into my bong.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Shame is for Republicans.
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