so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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