i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
