Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
