I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
NoShamevember. You game?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
