apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
