I think im going to throw up on grandma
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
