He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
