i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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