HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
