dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
