You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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