Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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