you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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