I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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