If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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