After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
