My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
