If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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