His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It was confusing and full of hummus
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
