I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
