Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
