We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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