I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
