She's JV to your varsity
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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