my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
